more of this.

could it be that everything goes round by chance?

only one way that it was always meant to be

you kill me: you always know the perfect thing to say

i know what i should do, but i just can't walk away

i pick up put down the phone

"it's just like being alone"

oh god, please don't tell me this has been in vain

i need answers for what all the waiting i've done means

you kill me: you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes

i know what i should do, but i just can't turn away

go on, love

leave all the still hope for the escape

gotta take what you can these days

so much ahead, so much regret

i know what you wanna say

i know it but can't help feeling differently

about you, and i should have said it

but tell me, just what has it ever meant?

i can't help it baby, this is who i am

i'm sorry, but i can't just go and turn off how i feel

you kill me: you build me up, but just to watch me break

i know what i should do but i just can't walk away

i haven't been happy for a really long time. i forget what it feels like. 

i'm trying to be happier, but things get quiet, and i start to think, and i think of all the things i wanted to be for you. but, i'm letting myself put on a smile and laugh, and that's a lot further than i was a few days ago. 

should have known. should have known. should have known. should have known. why didn't i prepare better for the inevitable? i've stopped feeling anyway. there's no way it could have happened. why can't i just get used to it? fuck this. fuck him. fuck myself for feeling like this. fuck the tears running down my face. fuck my life. fuck being happy. fuck the things that remind me of him. fuck my feelings. i hate me, every single thing. get me out of this town. put me on a bus and send me away. let me forget everything that never even happened. a whole motherfucking year later. i'm never doing this again.

fuck this. whatever. yeah, i'm fine.

If one drink, could make tonight
Slip my mind, then I
Should drink up, so i can forget
That I haven't lived my life.

You are an example of
Better things to come
So why wait on some other escape
That leads me nowhere fast

You've got nothing to lose,
Except for me and you

If one drink, could make tonight
Slip your mind, then you
Should drink up, so you can convince
Yourself that I'm cute

We are an example of
Why not to fall in love?
It takes a turn, and then it hurts
More than you could dream of

When you've got nothing to lose,
Except for me and you
I love that attitude.

Sometimes it's not that time
For words I cannot hear
For words I cannot feel
The way you want to go
It makes me feel like shit
A mess, but that's not it
I wonder if he'll care, for me ever again

I'm waiting for the last time
I'm waiting for the right time
To see if he will know the things he doesn't say to me

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know the things you know
But that's just not enough to make you mine
And I won't do anything that it might
Compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
Only, it's not enough to make you mine

Someday we will fly
Higher than the satellites
Into a spacial paradise
Where up is up
And down is down
And no one is around
I don't wanna see you cry,
Let's leave the dramatics behind

This is the last time I can try and make you mine
I'll sit here and wait for it
Could be the last good things that's perfect in my life
I'll sit here and wait for it

bad

i'm really bad at this. at school, and making good decisions, and speaking my mind, and trying to better myself, and at living. i'm really bad at making up my mind, and telling people how i feel, and being proud of who i am, and confidence. i just wish for once the major happenings in my life didn't depend on other people. i hate that i grew up poor, and i stopped giving a fuck in high school, so now i owe thousands of dollars in tuition. for a school that isn't preparing me for a job that will provide me the compensations so that i can pay off my debt. i feel as though i wasted the last two years of my life, and i've been stuck at square one forever. i hate that people walk in and out of my life so easily, and that no matter what i do, it always comes down to when they decide they want to fix things. i hate that i've created this hard exterior, so that i come to all relationships, prepared to get hurt. i hate that i've become so used to bad luck, that a tiny happenstance, like catching a cup before it falls, makes me take notice and feel lucky. i think i'm just tired of not getting anywhere, and not being good enough, and not even knowing what good enough is, but believing i'll never reach it. and always feeling ugly and feeling like no one ever sees me as a girl they'd want to be with. just for a day, i want to feel what it's like to be called pretty. or to put on clothes and not feel the cloth stretch, or my jeans fall down. or to wake up and know i'll do something productive today. or find my passion, and live it. or to be asked out. or know where in the world my life is headed. i try so hard to stay positive, and believe that things will turn around, and be happy with what i've been given. and i know i know i know i know how lucky i am to have the life i have. i think things just get tough when they all pile on at once. it wears me down. i just need something positive to keep my focus on. i just need to stay strong and soldier on. please don't think less of me for feeling this way. i just need a break.

i'm so sick of it being like this.

i've never been kissed spontaneously. i've never had someone want to spend the night with me. i've never gotten a loving look, or a cute gift on a holiday. i've never been kissed on the hand. i've never been home to meet the parents. i've never had someone be nervous of meeting mine. i've never gotten told 'i love you'. i've never been hugged because someone wants to be closer to me. i've never cuddled up to watch a movie. i don't know what it's like for someone to like me. i don't know what it's like to not be rejected. i've never been on a date. i've never gotten a kiss good-bye. or a kiss hello. i've never had someone not get enough of me. i've never filled someone's head when they're trying to go to sleep. i've never stayed up all night, getting to know each other. i don't know what it's like to be wanted, to be longed for. i don't know what it's like to be fought for. i've never had a sweet kiss on the cheek, or been told i mean everything to someone.

no, i'm not beautiful. yes, i have a weight problem. yes, i get sad. and yes i come from a crazy family. yes, i have pimples. no, i'm not skinny, or rock n' roll, or dangerous. yes, i'd rather stay at home and watch a movie, than go out drinking. yes, i've had issues with my religion, and most of the time i'm completely lost. no, i don't know how to properly apply makeup for my specific facial type. yes, i wear the clothes i wear because i'm self conscious. yes, the only things i've ever really been good at, will in fact, get me no where in life. no, i'm not academic. no, i'm not athletic. no, i can't draw or dance or run long distances. yes, i have a past, and no, it's not a long line of various boyfriends.

but i swear to god, i care. and i will treat you so well. and i will do anything for you if you are nice to me. and i don't make judgements on appearances. and i try so hard to do the right thing, even when people aren't looking. and i put everything i have into things that i care about. and i'm not selfish, and i worry about other people more than i care about myself. and i would never, ever, ever mistreat you on purpose. and i promise to have only the best of intentions.

so why is it that there are bitches out there who get to treat their boyfriends like complete shit, and still get treated like a princess? why do guys stay with girls who don't care about them? and what is so damn special about these girls that they are above everyone else? guys won't even give me a passing glance, but they will give everything they have to girls who are absolute bitches.

it's the worst feeling. watching unworthy girls get all the guys, over and over again. while people like me are sitting here, alone, with all the love and care and comfort in the world, with no one who wants it.

are guys so shallow and so into appearances that i have no other choice than to be beautiful if i want a guy? i should go to the gym and lose weight, but i know that i won't. and i keep coming back to this question: why not? i'm afraid that if i lose the weight, and i'm pretty, and i know how to dress, that even then, no one will want me. and then i'd have nothing else.

all of it is just stupid, and illogical, and doesn't make any sense. and it sucks so bad.

i've just had a bad night.

and i'm so, so sick of it being like this.

"Developed Feelings"

i don't know if i really like you, or if i just like the idea of you... (i'm pretty sure i like you though). what i do know, is that every wish on every candle, 11:11pm, shooting star, and tunnel i have encountered since i met you, has had your name on it. every song i hear, every picture i see, i relate to you. i can't see a sugar caddy, without thinking about the countless mornings we spent filling the sugars. i can't be near expo without seeing your name on the dry erase sheet. i can't hear about someone spilling a drink, without thinking of the time you hugged me tight because you knew that spilled coke was my last straw. i can't see the tiny broom without thinking about the time you swept your whole section on your knees. i can't see people getting whipped with rags, without me re-living the horrible sting from the rag smack you gave me, that left a mark on my thigh for a week. or how you came up and hugged me when you saw i was actually in pain. i can't see the back-line sink without remembering when you had an "emergency shave" back there. people can't order the "ACE Soup, Salad, & Bread" without me thinking about how we would always curse when people would order that and a water. i can't round that corner from bull to the aisle without thinking about that time you were chasing me through bull and i slipped and fell. and how you made fun of me for weeks. and i can't be near that giant metal bull without me remembering how it felt when you told me you were leaving. and how you told me things wouldn't change. and how you told me we would see each other all the time. you were my best friend at that restaurant. the person i looked for on the schedule, the person i couldn't wait to see every day.

i told you that i had "developed feelings" for you other the past few months. to be fair, i guess that's what it's called, but it seems like a lot more than that. "developed feelings" is so vague, could mean anything. i know you're with someone, and like i told you, i would never do anything to mess that up. if you're happy, i'm happy. i know you don't feel anything for me, but i just wanted you to know: at the bottom of the bottom, down to it, when all is said and done...i like you. and i miss the friendship we used to share. i miss being able to talk to you, and sharing stories, and looking out for one another when things got rushed. i really valued our friendship, and very much miss it. you are a wonderful person, and deserve to be treated right. and whoever ends up with you, will be the luckiest girl on the planet.

this is what i should have told you. instead i told you the short version, the only version i was brave enough to give you. and even that took almost seven months. this is what you deserve to know. i don't know if you will ever read this, but if so: this is how i really feel.

i don't know why i'm just so sad.

i have my good days, and i have my terrible days.

but i guess that's the way everyone is.

i don't want to keep lying every time someone asks me if i'm okay. 

it's like there's a war going on in my head,

and tiny little things make me crazy.

it's like i've been on a cliff, a second away from falling,

for so long.

i wish this situation didn't make me so upset.

it would be my life,

that decides to give me the courage to tell him,

the strength i've been praying for for months,

and as soon as i work out the right words, and the right timing,

he won't talk to me.

he won't respond.

and so i'm stuck with the courage and the willingness,

but i have no way of using it.

i don't want to eat, i don't want to work.

i want to hide under the covers all day,

and pretend like if i don't get up, everything will just go away.

i don't have any reason to feel this way.

we hardly ever talk anymore.

i'm scared he's tired of me, and any hope i had of making him want me,

is completely gone.

he was never mine, not even close, not even a little bit.

i have absolutely no right to feel this strongly about him.

is it just that he was nice to me? was it just that i thought he cared about me?

is that what got me so attached?

am i so pathetic, that i cling to every guy who doesn't just look right through me?

he's perfect for me.

or is it just my screwed up view of what i think reality is?

i hate to say it, because it sounds so childish and over-done. 

but honestly, this thought runs through my head,

thousands of times a day:

if i were skinny, if i were pretty, if i held my myself with grace...

would he want to be with me?

if i were all the things i want to be:

thin, with perfect hair, good clothes, 

the ability to dance, the ability to charm, the ability to be graceful...

would he want me?

and all of these things run through my head constantly.

and yet,

i still eat. i don't go to the gym. i don't starve myself, or workout until i die.

and why not? 

it's like i'm a self-sabotage. 

like i'm afraid to be happy, or allow myself to be happy.

people change this about themselves every day.

people go on diets, people buy new wardrobes, people run for hours a day.

and why won't i?

what's holding me back?

do i hate myself that much, that i won't even give myself a chance?

and i feel so guilty for writing this.

like i'm saying, "oh poor me, someone tell me i'm wrong."

but honest to god, it's not like that. 

i just need understanding.

and i'm getting way too ahead of myself.

i don't know why he hasn't talked to me.

it could be anything, any number of things i don't know.

it's just, these are the things that cross my mind.

these are the things i think about and hear myself saying.

and honestly, if a thin, pretty girl is what he wants,

he's the guy i would change for.

he is who i would want to make happy. 

i just like him so much.

and i'm just going to keep trying.

It's Time.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to tell him.

Because he's worth it.

To the people in my life...thank you for making me who I am.

Person #1: this situation has turned out very well. when we first started out, things were shaky. neither of us honestly knew if things were going to work out, but they have. you are a really good guy, you talk to me when i'm upset, make sure i'm okay, you are appreciative of the things that i do, and you take what i say into consideration. i'm so happy with the way things are right now, and i think this spur-of-the-moment decision was one of the best i've ever made. you make me laugh uncontrollably and i think we compliment each other in a lot of great ways. know that i'm always here for you, and that i value our friendship greatly.

Person #2: i sincerely hope that you don't know how much of a bitch you are. i sincerely hope you never received my message. i sincerely hope that you still have no idea how much you have hurt me. i hope all of these things because i wouldn't wish that type of guilt on anyone. i hope these things because i can't bare to think that i wasted four years of friendship on someone who turned out to be "that bitch" we always used to talk about. i have never been more angry at anyone in my entire life. i have never wanted to scream at/and or punch someone more in my entire life. i have never been let down so much in my entire life. i'm a good friend, and i only have the best of intentions. and you lost someone who cared for you. you lost a lot of people's trust. and that is your problem that you are eventually going to have to deal with.

Person #3: i never knew friendships could last this long. i never knew i was going to meet someone who could share my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, and still stick by my side. you are a wonderful person. it is incredibly comforting to know that i have someone who i can talk about anything to, and who will never judge me. i am so, so, so thankful for the friendship we share. we really will be the old lady friends who have watched their kids grow up together, and reminisce about the good old days. this is honestly what "friends forever" means.

Person #4: i've pitied you, i've guilted you, i've looked up to you, i've run to you...lots of ups and downs. growing up this way taught me more before the age of nine than most people don't learn until they are grown up and have kids of their own. i've grown up in absolute chaos. i've seen and heard things i pray most people never do. you've taught me to let things go and to love someone when they are yelling at you, when they are blaming you, when they are making you laugh, and when they are at a complete war with themselves and have lost all hope. i know in my heart that you have only good intentions, and that you love me. i hope you know how much i love you and that i will never give up hope on you. thank you for being the one who raised me.

Person #5: i think you are seriously one of the most kind-hearted, good-natured, and sensitive guys i have ever met (even though you try very hard to make everyone think otherwise). i also think that you have some problems that you are going to have to work through if you ever want to become truly happy. i'm here for you if and when you decide you want to talk them through. i think you are a very nice guy, and your hidden sweetness is too good to be wasted.

Person #6: you. i don't know if there's anything i can say about you that i haven't said before. i don't even know if i can accurately describe how i feel about you. i constantly think i've built you up in my head to be this wonderful, amazing guy that can't possible be real. but when we talk, i find that you are real, and that you are exactly who i thought you were. i think you've lost of a lot of your positivity, that something in your life has caused you to not be as happy as you used to be. i want to help you find it again, i want to make you happy. i just want a chance.

Person #7: you are the most loyal and loving father. you have guided me, taught me things, and protected me. you have put up with more than anyone, and although you blame yourself for most of our family's hardships, you have also worked harder for this family than anyone else. i don't even know half of what you have dealt with in the past thirty years, but i know that it has worn you down immensely. i don't want you to feel any blame or guilt, because you absolutely don't deserve it. you joke around, you make me laugh. yes, you drive me crazy sometimes, but i couldn't have asked for anyone better to have raised me.

Expected.

i'm not as special to him as i thought i was.

it's not his fault.

he has no idea what this meant to me.

i don't have the guts to tell him.

it's breaking me.

Nags Head, NC

it is utterly astonishing to me how at home i feel here. i am just as attached to the long stretches of ocean and beach road as i am to my hometown. so many amazing things ended and began for me here. here was the last time i was able to spend with one of the most incredible women i have ever known: kay rowe. and here was where my love for surfing sparked. where i picked up my first board and stood up on my first wave. here is where i find my strength and comfort, my true self and who i want to be.

staying here with the two most amazing people in the entire world (my grandparents) makes me realize how precious time on this earth is. i savor every second i spend with them and every breath of sea air i get. i know that they aren't going to be around forever, but they are literally the image of who i want to be when i get older; they know everything, they put others before themselves, they are experienced and are still looking forward to whatever comes next. they are the reason i am the person i am today. and i can't say enough how much i love them.

being here, i find myself planning for the future, something i find very difficult to do back home. at home, there's busy, and work, and dealing with. but here, i see clearly, i see my past and my future. i see kids playing and loving the water and i think to myself, "those are the type of kids i'm going to raise." ones who are ever so familiar with the waves and the simple ways of life. i am healthy here. everyone is healthy here.

i stare at the waves, and their strength, beauty, and grace. i watch the sand move beneath my feet, the seashells float in and out with the tide. i watch the blue distance, where the ocean melts with the sunset sky. i hear laughing, dogs barking, the crashing of water, i close my eyes and let my senses take it all in. the wind in my un-straightened hair, the sand stinging my legs, the sun beaming down on my thirsty skin, i am so peaceful here. i have to take that feeling with me when i go home. it's like an epiphany; it's like a mad love affair; it's like medicine to me. this town is a beautiful place.

(...and after all this beauty i see, i still think of him every single second.)

i want him to be right here with me.

i want to be comfortable in my own skin.

i want for once, the clothes to fall the right way.

the jeans to fit perfectly.

the hair to fall into place.

to look in the mirror and to not immediately have to look away.

i want our time to be concrete and memorable.

i want to know if he thinks about me even a fraction of the amount of time i think about him.

i want to know if i'm just grasping at nothing, and if i should give up.

if he has any idea how i feel.

i want the confidence to believe someone could like me for exactly who i am.

i want the confidence to hold my head up high and say, "fuck you."

i want the strength to cry and to release.

i want the strength to make myself happy.

i want people to understand that i am here for only one reason: to do good.

i want people to realize i'm a good person, and i would never, ever hurt people intentionally.

i want people to know that i have every intention of doing the right thing, and i'm honestly just doing my best.

i want direction in my life, and knowledge.

i want to stop the gut-wrenching feeling i have in my stomach every time i think of him and how far away he is from being mine.

i want to know why it's been months, and i still feel the way i did the first time we spent time together.

i want to know why i can't pull myself together and get over it.

i want to know why my life is being pulled in the direction it is, and why things just can't be easy for once.

i want to know why i live my life to be the person everyone sees as "the nicest person you'll ever meet."

and i hate myself for being like that, and i want to change because it's getting me nowhere, real fast.

but every time i do stand up for myself i feel guilty.

and every time i vow to never act bitchy again.

and the easiest thing for me to do is be "miss bubbly" and "miss puts others before herself."

because that's truly who i want to be.

but i can't help think that the anger will still be waiting underneath the surface.

i just. want. serenity.

and reassurance.

and to release the obscene amount of pressure i have in my back and shoulders.

and to give myself a chance.

Bravery

i'm not brave. i don't have the courage it takes to stick up for myself. i've never been able to tell someone when they've hurt me, or when they've done something to upset me, or when they've done something that puts me out. i just deal with it and move on. i know exactly why i'm like this. when i was young i wasn't allowed to show true emotion. i was kindly asked to store it away and not let anyone see it. so i did. and learning how to do that has plagued me since. even now, as a college student, with bills to pay, jobs to work, and my adulthood nearing, i still don't know how to tell people what i feel. i have no issues standing up for other people. if someone hurts the people i love, i have no problem kicking ass and taking names. as long as i'm not the one to show that i've been hurt, i can handle it.

the problem is, recently i've run into a situation where i'm either going to have to stand up for myself, or end up homeless.

how am i supposed to sit back and let a friend, who i've trusted, and stood up for, and been there for, treat me like i'm insignificant? why am i the one that gets tossed out like i'm disposable and not worth anything? part of me wants to scream in their face, "i don't deserve this!!" and part of me wants to just let it happen. say, "fuck it." and watch them all leave.

where is that line? where is the line where i either decide to fight for myself, realize that i am worth it, and make them all see that, or...decide to let it go, realize that the people i'm fighting for aren't worth it, and that i've already given too much and not received a damned thing? should i be the one to take one for the team again, or 'fess up to being the one with the issue? which is something i absolutely hate. i cannot stand being the one that is causing a problem, especially when it comes to people's feelings.

communication is at a complete loss. we all need to sit down and talk this through. that's the only way things will change and not be at a complete and oblivious standstill. but it's tough, because i feel as though in that moment, with the way everyone has been acting, we are either all going to shut up and not really say what we need to say, or explode and all of us will start screaming and blaming and destroying any chance we have of working this out.

this isn't us. this isn't how we usually are. we are generally, and relatively-speaking, a very low-drama circle of friends. recently though, that's all it's been. drama, drama, drama. and i know, every single one of us hates it.

so i'm just going to say it: i've been hurt recently. very hurt. and a few people have let me down and made me feel unworthy. and some people have made my life very complicated lately. and i'm very angry and have a lot bottled up inside me right now. and i would love for my world to stop being so wishy-washy. i want to know something for certain, and need some concrete plans. i have experienced (even more) that i do have people in my life that will stick up for me when i just can't, and will help me through anything. and i thank god every day for my friends.

i know that right now i am just venting to the internet...to, potentially, absolutely no one. but it's helping me get my head on straight. it's helping me sort everything out. it's a stepping stone to getting me to where i need to be.

Two More

two more days.
two more days and i'll never see your face walk through that door.
two more days and i'll never hear, "hey homes!" again.
two more days that i can't take for granted.
two more days that i have to share with everyone else.
two more days until everything changes.
i feel like i'm losing you, and i never even fucking had you in the first place.

Untitled

to me, he is absolutely flawless, perfect for me in every way. he's driving me crazy. all i want is for him to be happy, and if he is happy, i won't do anything to disturb that. i want him to never, ever feel bad about himself. i want him to know that i find him wonderful, compelling, interesting, and amazing. i want him to know that he is unlike anyone i have ever met. he is wonderfully unique. i want him to know that i can convince myself that i'd be completely fine without him, but as soon as his name lights up my phone or i see his face walk through the door, all convictions are lost. i want him to know that i'm not crazy. that he doesn't occupy all my thoughts, that i can make myself forget the investment i have in our friendship at any time. i want him to realize that's a lie. he doesn't look at me like i'm retarded, he laughs along with me. he makes me ridiculously happy. our inside jokes, the songs we sing to each other. his laid-back, incredibly meaningful words of encouragement when i'm having a bad day. if he's in a bad mood, i wait for him to talk with me about it, or wait for that inevitable joke we share that turns his mood around. his easy-going style perfectly compliments my usual high energy. he's a good guy, with a good heart. he dances because he feels like it. we sing off key because it's fun and it makes us laugh. he jokes around and isn't afraid to look stupid and act silly. he doesn't forget my stories, and always has new ones to tell me. he caught my attention the first moment i saw him. in a split second i realized i would follow him anywhere if he wanted me to. i honestly don't know what to do. all i can do is live in every second that we share, not take it for granted, and let what ever happens, happen. i don't want to ever mess up what we have right now. if that means keeping it at a friendship level, then so be it. i wonder if things would change if he knew how i feel. i wonder if i'll ever have the courage to find out. as for right now, i just have to let it be. i'll breathe in deep, and exhale, and pray for the nerve to drop a hint.