Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hello, College.

hi. i'm all moved in now, into my scarysketch dorm room at virginia commonwealth university. i love being on my own, spending everyday with my best friends and learning things i actually find interesting.

i've decided that i'm in a very transitional period of my life right now. i can't exactly figure out who i am. i know it's not something that i really need to have figured out as of present, but i can't help but wonder. i know what i believe in. and i know what i percieve to be good moral, and nothing is going to change that. i've had a lot of difficulty adjusting to life here. i'm so used to having the cusion of good friends constantly around me, knowing that i'm in a safe place, with people i can trust. i miss the comfort of smalltown life. i miss guard practice everyday and spending all my time with the people that make my life wonderful. college is such a huge place, and i haven't quite got it all figured out yet. i know that this is where i need to be, but sometimes i feel like the only reason i'm here is because that's what society told me to do. when you graduate high school, you go to college. i know that it is childish to even think about not growing up, but that's what i want to do. i want to stay in a time bubble where i'm with my guard and everything is happy. i've never been very good with change, and i can't stand the idea of my happiness drifting further away with every day. i suppose i need to find another source of happiness, another way to feel at home, but it's tough. the whole idea of home is being somewhere where you know people love you and respect you for who you are and i don't feel like i have that right now. honestly, if i didn't have my best friend here with me experiencing all this too, i don't know if i could take it.

i feel like i need to get away. have a good cry, or stand on something very tall and scream out into the wind. i want to be secure in my own self and not have to constantly worry about what people are thinking about me. that's always been a problem of mine, and probably always will be. i never trust people enough to not make judgements of me. i feel like i need to feel the rain, close my eyes and breathe into the sunshine. i need a good old-fashioned day with the people i love, to know that they're still close and not slipping away. the term 'too emotional' keeps playing through my mind as i write this. i guess that's just who i am. emotional. and this is a good way of releasing it.

i know that the days of powhatan winterguard are over for me, and i'm honestly having a really tough time accepting it. it's the only place i've ever been truly happy and really felt like i belonged. i loved the feeling of working so hard for something you cared about. having your ass kicked, and loving every minute of it because you knew that it was making you better. it's been said a million times, but it still is on replay in my head. "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." and i guess that applies here too. i'm stuck in this 'real world' where i am no longer someone. i'm just nobody. and that's a horrible concept. comfort and acceptance are very important to me and it's hard to feel either one of those things in a city this big.

i'm very grateful for having my best friend here with me. it's made everything easier and it's a wonderful reminder of what i have back home. we were discussing the other day about what would have happened if we had gone to different schools, and the answer: absolute chaos. and as we both don't need anymore chaos in our lives, it's very good things worked out as well as they did.

i look back at this entry and i realize how many stupid times the sentences start with the word 'i'. i hate it. everything shouldn't be about me and my problems. i've been told that sometimes it's okay to have something for myself, but i feel selfish. like instead of getting my measly self-provoking complications out, i should be out helping the world and taking care of people with real problems. i hope that this remains a place where i feel like using the word 'i', isn't so bad. someday i will make a change in this world for the better and i will actually be able to fulfill my needs through fulfilling the needs of someone else. a way to make the world a better place.

a lot is going on in my life right now, and it's very difficult to accept most of it. i want to feel everything i can, for exactly what it is, be it pain or happiness.

all i can do is look forward and try my best to not look so much into the past. i will always look back those times fondly, they were truly some of the happiest moments of my life. the people i spent those times with are completely irreplaceable and have to have a prominent place in my life in the future. as of right now, i'm signing off on a good note, happy to have gotten this out. college will be a completely new experience for me, something i've always welcomed. i'm happy with my life right now, and i know that everything has it's place in life. i need to make it through this to feel completely content later. 'later' meaning in the next few weeks, months, and years. i welcome this milestone in my life with anxiety and open arms.