Monday, July 25, 2011

i want him to be right here with me.
i want to be comfortable in my own skin.
i want for once, the clothes to fall the right way.
the jeans to fit perfectly.
the hair to fall into place.
to look in the mirror and to not immediately have to look away.
i want our time to be concrete and memorable.
i want to know if he thinks about me even a fraction of the amount of time i think about him.
i want to know if i'm just grasping at nothing, and if i should give up.
if he has any idea how i feel.

i want the confidence to believe someone could like me for exactly who i am.
i want the confidence to hold my head up high and say, "fuck you."

i want the strength to cry and to release.
i want the strength to make myself happy.

i want people to understand that i am here for only one reason: to do good.
i want people to realize i'm a good person, and i would never, ever hurt people intentionally.
i want people to know that i have every intention of doing the right thing, and i'm honestly just doing my best.

i want direction in my life, and knowledge.

i want to stop the gut-wrenching feeling i have in my stomach every time i think of him and how far away he is from being mine.
i want to know why it's been months, and i still feel the way i did the first time we spent time together.
i want to know why i can't pull myself together and get over it.

i want to know why my life is being pulled in the direction it is, and why things just can't be easy for once.
i want to know why i live my life to be the person everyone sees as "the nicest person you'll ever meet."
and i hate myself for being like that, and i want to change because it's getting me nowhere, real fast.
but every time i do stand up for myself i feel guilty.
and every time i vow to never act bitchy again.
and the easiest thing for me to do is be "miss bubbly" and "miss puts others before herself."
because that's truly who i want to be.
but i can't help think that the anger will still be waiting underneath the surface.

i just. want. serenity.
and reassurance.
and to release the obscene amount of pressure i have in my back and shoulders.
and to give myself a chance.