Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Long Time Coming.

there is someone i want to kiss. there is someone i want to punch. there is someone i want to notice. there is someone i want to notice me. there is someone i want to write off. there is someone i hope i never do. there is someone i can't ignore. there is someone i can't let go of. there is someone i want to scream at. there is someone i want to love. there is someone i want to release all my feelings to. there is someone i've known forever. there is someone i haven't met yet.

i can't let myself go. i can't breathe. i can't find it. i can't release and feel free. i can't trust myself with my own life.

i want to be so different. i want to make something beautiful. i want someone to love me. i want to find him. i want to be comfortable. i want to feel alive. i want to know something for sure. i know for sure, i don't know what i want.

someone should take me seriously. someone should sit down and listen to me. someone should look at me, not through me. someone should take a chance on me.

i should wear my heart on my sleeve. i should tell people what i think and feel. i should trust. i should be proud. i should live.

he said, "i know you."
he said, "i want to be with you."
he said, "i want to know everything."
he said, "you're my friend."
he said, "i've never felt this way before."
he said, "my heart's being pulled in another direction."
he said, "i won't do it again."
he said, "that was a different me."
he said, "i've changed."
he said, "tell me how you feel."
he said, "it will get better."
he said, "you deserve better."

he said. and i never doubted him.

i am lost. i am somewhere. i am turning over a new leaf. i am learning. i am losing. i am tired. i am angry. i am leaving. i am missing. i am over it. i will never be over it.

i need breath. i need placement. i need sight. i need control. i need to let go. i need to give up fear. i need to give in. i need to understand. i need sense. i need noise. i need clarity. i need someone to say, "let's run away." i need completion.

i'm summer. i'm winter. i'm not even close. i'm nervous. i'm locked in. i'm searching. i'm young. i'm empathetic. i'm amy.

who is amy?

i try. i feel. i look. i obsorb. i touch. i cover. i love. i care. i run.

i didn't know that's what you wanted. i thought i was good enough. i didn't look like much. i thought you cared. i didn't know you didn't mean it. i thought our time was special. i put my arms around you. i thought it was true. i thought it made sense. i gave up for you. i stood up for you. i saw through you. i thought i finally fit. i trusted. i believed. i gave you my all. i choked.

i...i...i...i. i. i. i!


you were a light. you were the best part of my day. you taught me. you stung me. you yelled at me. you hated me. you cried. you had impeccable timing. you thought your words didn't hurt. you thought you didn't have an effect. you thought you did what made sense. you left. you ignored. you apolgized. you didn't mean it. you took it back. you gave it back. you fought. you broke. you hurt. you lost me. you didn't have my back. you lied. you changed. you scared me. you scarred me. you didn't see me. you gave it time. you were everything. you were everybody. you were every experience. you were the world. you were a reaction. you were a sideways glance. you were a stare-down. you were my wildest dreams. you were my future. you were a passerby. you were a mistake. you were by chance. you were just a thought. you were all my thoughts. you were a rush. you were a song. you were a wave. you were a laugh. you were out of bounds. you are a feeling. you are a sight. you are a glitch. you are a problem. you are unknown. you haven't happened yet. you will change my life.