Friday, June 17, 2011


i'm not brave. i don't have the courage it takes to stick up for myself. i've never been able to tell someone when they've hurt me, or when they've done something to upset me, or when they've done something that puts me out. i just deal with it and move on. i know exactly why i'm like this. when i was young i wasn't allowed to show true emotion. i was kindly asked to store it away and not let anyone see it. so i did. and learning how to do that has plagued me since. even now, as a college student, with bills to pay, jobs to work, and my adulthood nearing, i still don't know how to tell people what i feel. i have no issues standing up for other people. if someone hurts the people i love, i have no problem kicking ass and taking names. as long as i'm not the one to show that i've been hurt, i can handle it.

the problem is, recently i've run into a situation where i'm either going to have to stand up for myself, or end up homeless.

how am i supposed to sit back and let a friend, who i've trusted, and stood up for, and been there for, treat me like i'm insignificant? why am i the one that gets tossed out like i'm disposable and not worth anything? part of me wants to scream in their face, "i don't deserve this!!" and part of me wants to just let it happen. say, "fuck it." and watch them all leave.

where is that line? where is the line where i either decide to fight for myself, realize that i am worth it, and make them all see that, or...decide to let it go, realize that the people i'm fighting for aren't worth it, and that i've already given too much and not received a damned thing? should i be the one to take one for the team again, or 'fess up to being the one with the issue? which is something i absolutely hate. i cannot stand being the one that is causing a problem, especially when it comes to people's feelings.

communication is at a complete loss. we all need to sit down and talk this through. that's the only way things will change and not be at a complete and oblivious standstill. but it's tough, because i feel as though in that moment, with the way everyone has been acting, we are either all going to shut up and not really say what we need to say, or explode and all of us will start screaming and blaming and destroying any chance we have of working this out.

this isn't us. this isn't how we usually are. we are generally, and relatively-speaking, a very low-drama circle of friends. recently though, that's all it's been. drama, drama, drama. and i know, every single one of us hates it.

so i'm just going to say it: i've been hurt recently. very hurt. and a few people have let me down and made me feel unworthy. and some people have made my life very complicated lately. and i'm very angry and have a lot bottled up inside me right now. and i would love for my world to stop being so wishy-washy. i want to know something for certain, and need some concrete plans. i have experienced (even more) that i do have people in my life that will stick up for me when i just can't, and will help me through anything. and i thank god every day for my friends.

i know that right now i am just venting to the, potentially, absolutely no one. but it's helping me get my head on straight. it's helping me sort everything out. it's a stepping stone to getting me to where i need to be.