Sunday, October 16, 2011

i'm so sick of it being like this.

i've never been kissed spontaneously. i've never had someone want to spend the night with me. i've never gotten a loving look, or a cute gift on a holiday. i've never been kissed on the hand. i've never been home to meet the parents. i've never had someone be nervous of meeting mine. i've never gotten told 'i love you'. i've never been hugged because someone wants to be closer to me. i've never cuddled up to watch a movie. i don't know what it's like for someone to like me. i don't know what it's like to not be rejected. i've never been on a date. i've never gotten a kiss good-bye. or a kiss hello. i've never had someone not get enough of me. i've never filled someone's head when they're trying to go to sleep. i've never stayed up all night, getting to know each other. i don't know what it's like to be wanted, to be longed for. i don't know what it's like to be fought for. i've never had a sweet kiss on the cheek, or been told i mean everything to someone.

no, i'm not beautiful. yes, i have a weight problem. yes, i get sad. and yes i come from a crazy family. yes, i have pimples. no, i'm not skinny, or rock n' roll, or dangerous. yes, i'd rather stay at home and watch a movie, than go out drinking. yes, i've had issues with my religion, and most of the time i'm completely lost. no, i don't know how to properly apply makeup for my specific facial type. yes, i wear the clothes i wear because i'm self conscious. yes, the only things i've ever really been good at, will in fact, get me no where in life. no, i'm not academic. no, i'm not athletic. no, i can't draw or dance or run long distances. yes, i have a past, and no, it's not a long line of various boyfriends.

but i swear to god, i care. and i will treat you so well. and i will do anything for you if you are nice to me. and i don't make judgements on appearances. and i try so hard to do the right thing, even when people aren't looking. and i put everything i have into things that i care about. and i'm not selfish, and i worry about other people more than i care about myself. and i would never, ever, ever mistreat you on purpose. and i promise to have only the best of intentions.

so why is it that there are bitches out there who get to treat their boyfriends like complete shit, and still get treated like a princess? why do guys stay with girls who don't care about them? and what is so damn special about these girls that they are above everyone else? guys won't even give me a passing glance, but they will give everything they have to girls who are absolute bitches.

it's the worst feeling. watching unworthy girls get all the guys, over and over again. while people like me are sitting here, alone, with all the love and care and comfort in the world, with no one who wants it.

are guys so shallow and so into appearances that i have no other choice than to be beautiful if i want a guy? i should go to the gym and lose weight, but i know that i won't. and i keep coming back to this question: why not? i'm afraid that if i lose the weight, and i'm pretty, and i know how to dress, that even then, no one will want me. and then i'd have nothing else.

all of it is just stupid, and illogical, and doesn't make any sense. and it sucks so bad.

i've just had a bad night.

and i'm so, so sick of it being like this.

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