Tuesday, November 29, 2011


i'm really bad at this. at school, and making good decisions, and speaking my mind, and trying to better myself, and at living. i'm really bad at making up my mind, and telling people how i feel, and being proud of who i am, and confidence. i just wish for once the major happenings in my life didn't depend on other people. i hate that i grew up poor, and i stopped giving a fuck in high school, so now i owe thousands of dollars in tuition. for a school that isn't preparing me for a job that will provide me the compensations so that i can pay off my debt. i feel as though i wasted the last two years of my life, and i've been stuck at square one forever. i hate that people walk in and out of my life so easily, and that no matter what i do, it always comes down to when they decide they want to fix things. i hate that i've created this hard exterior, so that i come to all relationships, prepared to get hurt. i hate that i've become so used to bad luck, that a tiny happenstance, like catching a cup before it falls, makes me take notice and feel lucky. i think i'm just tired of not getting anywhere, and not being good enough, and not even knowing what good enough is, but believing i'll never reach it. and always feeling ugly and feeling like no one ever sees me as a girl they'd want to be with. just for a day, i want to feel what it's like to be called pretty. or to put on clothes and not feel the cloth stretch, or my jeans fall down. or to wake up and know i'll do something productive today. or find my passion, and live it. or to be asked out. or know where in the world my life is headed. i try so hard to stay positive, and believe that things will turn around, and be happy with what i've been given. and i know i know i know i know how lucky i am to have the life i have. i think things just get tough when they all pile on at once. it wears me down. i just need something positive to keep my focus on. i just need to stay strong and soldier on. please don't think less of me for feeling this way. i just need a break.