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my posts are sporadic and far-between. why do i find it so difficult to write down what i'm feeling? why am i afraid to get it all on paper? i wish i was the type of person who could release everything onto something material, maybe then i wouldn't feel like i'm about to explode from the inside out. maybe then i could look at things objectively and gain perspective. why am i afraid to be by myself? honestly, my most sincere wish, is just to get in the car, and leave with no real destination, with or without the notion to ever return. i think all i really need is understanding. just for once i want things to fall in to place, to make sense, to be set in their ways.

is it possible to be afraid of release? i've always been one to embrace other's expression, to see the core of who another person is. but when it comes to letting myself be found, there's constantly a roadblock that stops me from ever getting anywhere helpful. am i afraid to be happy? am i afraid for things to work out in my favor? am i afraid to show emotion? am i afraid to release everything out onto paper? am i afraid to see who the real 'me' is? maybe it's because i don't trust that it's actually my true self. maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll alter how i actually feel to please everybody else.

maybe i'm afraid of who's going to see it. maybe i'm afraid no one will ever see it.



i so want to fix this.

there's a boy. and it's the classic: "he doesn't know i exist." but how come i've talked to him a total of three times since we met nearly four months ago, and yet i think about him everyday? why do i think we'd be so good together, when i barely know him? granted, everything i know about him would fit right in with my life and who i am. but, i honestly know that he will never actually see me, he'll never want to know me or spend time with me. he doesn't think about me, he doesn't wonder if we'd be good together. and i understand that. i wouldn't want to be with me either.

guhhh. even as i'm writing this, i'm debating erasing all of it and forgetting about this post. and let me tell you, this happens all the time. what if someone sees this and their opinion of me changes? what if they see past my emotional shell? part of me sincerely hopes no one reads this. it's like i don't want anybody to see me until i get to the physical and emotional point of stability that i'm aiming for. but i also know that that point is so far away and may be unreachable. why can't i just buckle down and make it happen for me? i'm capable, but i hold myself back. are we allowed to want something so badly, and at the same time be completely terrified of it? maybe i need something drastic to happen. maybe i need a time limit. maybe i don't want it bad enough.

all i know, is that i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life. they make everything make more sense <3

i don't really know how to end this post. so i'll just end it here.

A Long Time Coming.

there is someone i want to kiss. there is someone i want to punch. there is someone i want to notice. there is someone i want to notice me. there is someone i want to write off. there is someone i hope i never do. there is someone i can't ignore. there is someone i can't let go of. there is someone i want to scream at. there is someone i want to love. there is someone i want to release all my feelings to. there is someone i've known forever. there is someone i haven't met yet.

i can't let myself go. i can't breathe. i can't find it. i can't release and feel free. i can't trust myself with my own life.

i want to be so different. i want to make something beautiful. i want someone to love me. i want to find him. i want to be comfortable. i want to feel alive. i want to know something for sure. i know for sure, i don't know what i want.

someone should take me seriously. someone should sit down and listen to me. someone should look at me, not through me. someone should take a chance on me.

i should wear my heart on my sleeve. i should tell people what i think and feel. i should trust. i should be proud. i should live.

he said, "i know you."
he said, "i want to be with you."
he said, "i want to know everything."
he said, "you're my friend."
he said, "i've never felt this way before."
he said, "my heart's being pulled in another direction."
he said, "i won't do it again."
he said, "that was a different me."
he said, "i've changed."
he said, "tell me how you feel."
he said, "it will get better."
he said, "you deserve better."

he said. and i never doubted him.

i am lost. i am somewhere. i am turning over a new leaf. i am learning. i am losing. i am tired. i am angry. i am leaving. i am missing. i am over it. i will never be over it.

i need breath. i need placement. i need sight. i need control. i need to let go. i need to give up fear. i need to give in. i need to understand. i need sense. i need noise. i need clarity. i need someone to say, "let's run away." i need completion.

i'm summer. i'm winter. i'm not even close. i'm nervous. i'm locked in. i'm searching. i'm young. i'm empathetic. i'm amy.

who is amy?

i try. i feel. i look. i obsorb. i touch. i cover. i love. i care. i run.

i didn't know that's what you wanted. i thought i was good enough. i didn't look like much. i thought you cared. i didn't know you didn't mean it. i thought our time was special. i put my arms around you. i thought it was true. i thought it made sense. i gave up for you. i stood up for you. i saw through you. i thought i finally fit. i trusted. i believed. i gave you my all. i choked.

i...i...i...i. i. i. i!

you.

you were a light. you were the best part of my day. you taught me. you stung me. you yelled at me. you hated me. you cried. you had impeccable timing. you thought your words didn't hurt. you thought you didn't have an effect. you thought you did what made sense. you left. you ignored. you apolgized. you didn't mean it. you took it back. you gave it back. you fought. you broke. you hurt. you lost me. you didn't have my back. you lied. you changed. you scared me. you scarred me. you didn't see me. you gave it time. you were everything. you were everybody. you were every experience. you were the world. you were a reaction. you were a sideways glance. you were a stare-down. you were my wildest dreams. you were my future. you were a passerby. you were a mistake. you were by chance. you were just a thought. you were all my thoughts. you were a rush. you were a song. you were a wave. you were a laugh. you were out of bounds. you are a feeling. you are a sight. you are a glitch. you are a problem. you are unknown. you haven't happened yet. you will change my life.