i don't know why i'm just so sad.

i have my good days, and i have my terrible days.

but i guess that's the way everyone is.

i don't want to keep lying every time someone asks me if i'm okay. 

it's like there's a war going on in my head,

and tiny little things make me crazy.

it's like i've been on a cliff, a second away from falling,

for so long.

i wish this situation didn't make me so upset.

it would be my life,

that decides to give me the courage to tell him,

the strength i've been praying for for months,

and as soon as i work out the right words, and the right timing,

he won't talk to me.

he won't respond.

and so i'm stuck with the courage and the willingness,

but i have no way of using it.

i don't want to eat, i don't want to work.

i want to hide under the covers all day,

and pretend like if i don't get up, everything will just go away.

i don't have any reason to feel this way.

we hardly ever talk anymore.

i'm scared he's tired of me, and any hope i had of making him want me,

is completely gone.

he was never mine, not even close, not even a little bit.

i have absolutely no right to feel this strongly about him.

is it just that he was nice to me? was it just that i thought he cared about me?

is that what got me so attached?

am i so pathetic, that i cling to every guy who doesn't just look right through me?

he's perfect for me.

or is it just my screwed up view of what i think reality is?

i hate to say it, because it sounds so childish and over-done. 

but honestly, this thought runs through my head,

thousands of times a day:

if i were skinny, if i were pretty, if i held my myself with grace...

would he want to be with me?

if i were all the things i want to be:

thin, with perfect hair, good clothes, 

the ability to dance, the ability to charm, the ability to be graceful...

would he want me?

and all of these things run through my head constantly.

and yet,

i still eat. i don't go to the gym. i don't starve myself, or workout until i die.

and why not? 

it's like i'm a self-sabotage. 

like i'm afraid to be happy, or allow myself to be happy.

people change this about themselves every day.

people go on diets, people buy new wardrobes, people run for hours a day.

and why won't i?

what's holding me back?

do i hate myself that much, that i won't even give myself a chance?

and i feel so guilty for writing this.

like i'm saying, "oh poor me, someone tell me i'm wrong."

but honest to god, it's not like that. 

i just need understanding.

and i'm getting way too ahead of myself.

i don't know why he hasn't talked to me.

it could be anything, any number of things i don't know.

it's just, these are the things that cross my mind.

these are the things i think about and hear myself saying.

and honestly, if a thin, pretty girl is what he wants,

he's the guy i would change for.

he is who i would want to make happy. 

i just like him so much.

and i'm just going to keep trying.