Monday, September 19, 2011

"Developed Feelings"

i don't know if i really like you, or if i just like the idea of you... (i'm pretty sure i like you though). what i do know, is that every wish on every candle, 11:11pm, shooting star, and tunnel i have encountered since i met you, has had your name on it. every song i hear, every picture i see, i relate to you. i can't see a sugar caddy, without thinking about the countless mornings we spent filling the sugars. i can't be near expo without seeing your name on the dry erase sheet. i can't hear about someone spilling a drink, without thinking of the time you hugged me tight because you knew that spilled coke was my last straw. i can't see the tiny broom without thinking about the time you swept your whole section on your knees. i can't see people getting whipped with rags, without me re-living the horrible sting from the rag smack you gave me, that left a mark on my thigh for a week. or how you came up and hugged me when you saw i was actually in pain. i can't see the back-line sink without remembering when you had an "emergency shave" back there. people can't order the "ACE Soup, Salad, & Bread" without me thinking about how we would always curse when people would order that and a water. i can't round that corner from bull to the aisle without thinking about that time you were chasing me through bull and i slipped and fell. and how you made fun of me for weeks. and i can't be near that giant metal bull without me remembering how it felt when you told me you were leaving. and how you told me things wouldn't change. and how you told me we would see each other all the time. you were my best friend at that restaurant. the person i looked for on the schedule, the person i couldn't wait to see every day.

i told you that i had "developed feelings" for you other the past few months. to be fair, i guess that's what it's called, but it seems like a lot more than that. "developed feelings" is so vague, could mean anything. i know you're with someone, and like i told you, i would never do anything to mess that up. if you're happy, i'm happy. i know you don't feel anything for me, but i just wanted you to know: at the bottom of the bottom, down to it, when all is said and done...i like you. and i miss the friendship we used to share. i miss being able to talk to you, and sharing stories, and looking out for one another when things got rushed. i really valued our friendship, and very much miss it. you are a wonderful person, and deserve to be treated right. and whoever ends up with you, will be the luckiest girl on the planet.

this is what i should have told you. instead i told you the short version, the only version i was brave enough to give you. and even that took almost seven months. this is what you deserve to know. i don't know if you will ever read this, but if so: this is how i really feel.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

i don't know why i'm just so sad.
i have my good days, and i have my terrible days.
but i guess that's the way everyone is.
i don't want to keep lying every time someone asks me if i'm okay. 
it's like there's a war going on in my head,
and tiny little things make me crazy.
it's like i've been on a cliff, a second away from falling,
for so long.

i wish this situation didn't make me so upset.
it would be my life,
that decides to give me the courage to tell him,
the strength i've been praying for for months,
and as soon as i work out the right words, and the right timing,
he won't talk to me.
he won't respond.
and so i'm stuck with the courage and the willingness,
but i have no way of using it.
i don't want to eat, i don't want to work.
i want to hide under the covers all day,
and pretend like if i don't get up, everything will just go away.

i don't have any reason to feel this way.
we hardly ever talk anymore.
i'm scared he's tired of me, and any hope i had of making him want me,
is completely gone.
he was never mine, not even close, not even a little bit.
i have absolutely no right to feel this strongly about him.
is it just that he was nice to me? was it just that i thought he cared about me?
is that what got me so attached?
am i so pathetic, that i cling to every guy who doesn't just look right through me?
he's perfect for me.
or is it just my screwed up view of what i think reality is?

i hate to say it, because it sounds so childish and over-done. 
but honestly, this thought runs through my head,
thousands of times a day:
if i were skinny, if i were pretty, if i held my myself with grace...
would he want to be with me?
if i were all the things i want to be:
thin, with perfect hair, good clothes, 
the ability to dance, the ability to charm, the ability to be graceful...
would he want me?

and all of these things run through my head constantly.
and yet,
i still eat. i don't go to the gym. i don't starve myself, or workout until i die.
and why not? 
it's like i'm a self-sabotage. 
like i'm afraid to be happy, or allow myself to be happy.
people change this about themselves every day.
people go on diets, people buy new wardrobes, people run for hours a day.
and why won't i?
what's holding me back?
do i hate myself that much, that i won't even give myself a chance?

and i feel so guilty for writing this.
like i'm saying, "oh poor me, someone tell me i'm wrong."
but honest to god, it's not like that. 
i just need understanding.

and i'm getting way too ahead of myself.
i don't know why he hasn't talked to me.
it could be anything, any number of things i don't know.
it's just, these are the things that cross my mind.
these are the things i think about and hear myself saying.

and honestly, if a thin, pretty girl is what he wants,
he's the guy i would change for.
he is who i would want to make happy. 
i just like him so much.
and i'm just going to keep trying.

Friday, September 2, 2011

It's Time.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to tell him.
Because he's worth it.