Wednesday, August 24, 2011

To the people in my life...thank you for making me who I am.

Person #1: this situation has turned out very well. when we first started out, things were shaky. neither of us honestly knew if things were going to work out, but they have. you are a really good guy, you talk to me when i'm upset, make sure i'm okay, you are appreciative of the things that i do, and you take what i say into consideration. i'm so happy with the way things are right now, and i think this spur-of-the-moment decision was one of the best i've ever made. you make me laugh uncontrollably and i think we compliment each other in a lot of great ways. know that i'm always here for you, and that i value our friendship greatly.

Person #2: i sincerely hope that you don't know how much of a bitch you are. i sincerely hope you never received my message. i sincerely hope that you still have no idea how much you have hurt me. i hope all of these things because i wouldn't wish that type of guilt on anyone. i hope these things because i can't bare to think that i wasted four years of friendship on someone who turned out to be "that bitch" we always used to talk about. i have never been more angry at anyone in my entire life. i have never wanted to scream at/and or punch someone more in my entire life. i have never been let down so much in my entire life. i'm a good friend, and i only have the best of intentions. and you lost someone who cared for you. you lost a lot of people's trust. and that is your problem that you are eventually going to have to deal with.

Person #3: i never knew friendships could last this long. i never knew i was going to meet someone who could share my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, and still stick by my side. you are a wonderful person. it is incredibly comforting to know that i have someone who i can talk about anything to, and who will never judge me. i am so, so, so thankful for the friendship we share. we really will be the old lady friends who have watched their kids grow up together, and reminisce about the good old days. this is honestly what "friends forever" means.

Person #4: i've pitied you, i've guilted you, i've looked up to you, i've run to you...lots of ups and downs. growing up this way taught me more before the age of nine than most people don't learn until they are grown up and have kids of their own. i've grown up in absolute chaos. i've seen and heard things i pray most people never do. you've taught me to let things go and to love someone when they are yelling at you, when they are blaming you, when they are making you laugh, and when they are at a complete war with themselves and have lost all hope. i know in my heart that you have only good intentions, and that you love me. i hope you know how much i love you and that i will never give up hope on you. thank you for being the one who raised me.

Person #5: i think you are seriously one of the most kind-hearted, good-natured, and sensitive guys i have ever met (even though you try very hard to make everyone think otherwise). i also think that you have some problems that you are going to have to work through if you ever want to become truly happy. i'm here for you if and when you decide you want to talk them through. i think you are a very nice guy, and your hidden sweetness is too good to be wasted.

Person #6: you. i don't know if there's anything i can say about you that i haven't said before. i don't even know if i can accurately describe how i feel about you. i constantly think i've built you up in my head to be this wonderful, amazing guy that can't possible be real. but when we talk, i find that you are real, and that you are exactly who i thought you were. i think you've lost of a lot of your positivity, that something in your life has caused you to not be as happy as you used to be. i want to help you find it again, i want to make you happy. i just want a chance.

Person #7: you are the most loyal and loving father. you have guided me, taught me things, and protected me. you have put up with more than anyone, and although you blame yourself for most of our family's hardships, you have also worked harder for this family than anyone else. i don't even know half of what you have dealt with in the past thirty years, but i know that it has worn you down immensely. i don't want you to feel any blame or guilt, because you absolutely don't deserve it. you joke around, you make me laugh. yes, you drive me crazy sometimes, but i couldn't have asked for anyone better to have raised me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


i'm not as special to him as i thought i was.
it's not his fault.
he has no idea what this meant to me.
i don't have the guts to tell him.
it's breaking me.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Nags Head, NC

it is utterly astonishing to me how at home i feel here. i am just as attached to the long stretches of ocean and beach road as i am to my hometown. so many amazing things ended and began for me here. here was the last time i was able to spend with one of the most incredible women i have ever known: kay rowe. and here was where my love for surfing sparked. where i picked up my first board and stood up on my first wave. here is where i find my strength and comfort, my true self and who i want to be.

staying here with the two most amazing people in the entire world (my grandparents) makes me realize how precious time on this earth is. i savor every second i spend with them and every breath of sea air i get. i know that they aren't going to be around forever, but they are literally the image of who i want to be when i get older; they know everything, they put others before themselves, they are experienced and are still looking forward to whatever comes next. they are the reason i am the person i am today. and i can't say enough how much i love them.

being here, i find myself planning for the future, something i find very difficult to do back home. at home, there's busy, and work, and dealing with. but here, i see clearly, i see my past and my future. i see kids playing and loving the water and i think to myself, "those are the type of kids i'm going to raise." ones who are ever so familiar with the waves and the simple ways of life. i am healthy here. everyone is healthy here.

i stare at the waves, and their strength, beauty, and grace. i watch the sand move beneath my feet, the seashells float in and out with the tide. i watch the blue distance, where the ocean melts with the sunset sky. i hear laughing, dogs barking, the crashing of water, i close my eyes and let my senses take it all in. the wind in my un-straightened hair, the sand stinging my legs, the sun beaming down on my thirsty skin, i am so peaceful here. i have to take that feeling with me when i go home. it's like an epiphany; it's like a mad love affair; it's like medicine to me. this town is a beautiful place.

(...and after all this beauty i see, i still think of him every single second.)