Wednesday, October 20, 2010


my posts are sporadic and far-between. why do i find it so difficult to write down what i'm feeling? why am i afraid to get it all on paper? i wish i was the type of person who could release everything onto something material, maybe then i wouldn't feel like i'm about to explode from the inside out. maybe then i could look at things objectively and gain perspective. why am i afraid to be by myself? honestly, my most sincere wish, is just to get in the car, and leave with no real destination, with or without the notion to ever return. i think all i really need is understanding. just for once i want things to fall in to place, to make sense, to be set in their ways.

is it possible to be afraid of release? i've always been one to embrace other's expression, to see the core of who another person is. but when it comes to letting myself be found, there's constantly a roadblock that stops me from ever getting anywhere helpful. am i afraid to be happy? am i afraid for things to work out in my favor? am i afraid to show emotion? am i afraid to release everything out onto paper? am i afraid to see who the real 'me' is? maybe it's because i don't trust that it's actually my true self. maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll alter how i actually feel to please everybody else.

maybe i'm afraid of who's going to see it. maybe i'm afraid no one will ever see it.

i so want to fix this.

there's a boy. and it's the classic: "he doesn't know i exist." but how come i've talked to him a total of three times since we met nearly four months ago, and yet i think about him everyday? why do i think we'd be so good together, when i barely know him? granted, everything i know about him would fit right in with my life and who i am. but, i honestly know that he will never actually see me, he'll never want to know me or spend time with me. he doesn't think about me, he doesn't wonder if we'd be good together. and i understand that. i wouldn't want to be with me either.

guhhh. even as i'm writing this, i'm debating erasing all of it and forgetting about this post. and let me tell you, this happens all the time. what if someone sees this and their opinion of me changes? what if they see past my emotional shell? part of me sincerely hopes no one reads this. it's like i don't want anybody to see me until i get to the physical and emotional point of stability that i'm aiming for. but i also know that that point is so far away and may be unreachable. why can't i just buckle down and make it happen for me? i'm capable, but i hold myself back. are we allowed to want something so badly, and at the same time be completely terrified of it? maybe i need something drastic to happen. maybe i need a time limit. maybe i don't want it bad enough.

all i know, is that i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life. they make everything make more sense <3

i don't really know how to end this post. so i'll just end it here.