i'm so sick of it being like this.

i've never been kissed spontaneously. i've never had someone want to spend the night with me. i've never gotten a loving look, or a cute gift on a holiday. i've never been kissed on the hand. i've never been home to meet the parents. i've never had someone be nervous of meeting mine. i've never gotten told 'i love you'. i've never been hugged because someone wants to be closer to me. i've never cuddled up to watch a movie. i don't know what it's like for someone to like me. i don't know what it's like to not be rejected. i've never been on a date. i've never gotten a kiss good-bye. or a kiss hello. i've never had someone not get enough of me. i've never filled someone's head when they're trying to go to sleep. i've never stayed up all night, getting to know each other. i don't know what it's like to be wanted, to be longed for. i don't know what it's like to be fought for. i've never had a sweet kiss on the cheek, or been told i mean everything to someone.

no, i'm not beautiful. yes, i have a weight problem. yes, i get sad. and yes i come from a crazy family. yes, i have pimples. no, i'm not skinny, or rock n' roll, or dangerous. yes, i'd rather stay at home and watch a movie, than go out drinking. yes, i've had issues with my religion, and most of the time i'm completely lost. no, i don't know how to properly apply makeup for my specific facial type. yes, i wear the clothes i wear because i'm self conscious. yes, the only things i've ever really been good at, will in fact, get me no where in life. no, i'm not academic. no, i'm not athletic. no, i can't draw or dance or run long distances. yes, i have a past, and no, it's not a long line of various boyfriends.

but i swear to god, i care. and i will treat you so well. and i will do anything for you if you are nice to me. and i don't make judgements on appearances. and i try so hard to do the right thing, even when people aren't looking. and i put everything i have into things that i care about. and i'm not selfish, and i worry about other people more than i care about myself. and i would never, ever, ever mistreat you on purpose. and i promise to have only the best of intentions.

so why is it that there are bitches out there who get to treat their boyfriends like complete shit, and still get treated like a princess? why do guys stay with girls who don't care about them? and what is so damn special about these girls that they are above everyone else? guys won't even give me a passing glance, but they will give everything they have to girls who are absolute bitches.

it's the worst feeling. watching unworthy girls get all the guys, over and over again. while people like me are sitting here, alone, with all the love and care and comfort in the world, with no one who wants it.

are guys so shallow and so into appearances that i have no other choice than to be beautiful if i want a guy? i should go to the gym and lose weight, but i know that i won't. and i keep coming back to this question: why not? i'm afraid that if i lose the weight, and i'm pretty, and i know how to dress, that even then, no one will want me. and then i'd have nothing else.

all of it is just stupid, and illogical, and doesn't make any sense. and it sucks so bad.

i've just had a bad night.

and i'm so, so sick of it being like this.

"Developed Feelings"

i don't know if i really like you, or if i just like the idea of you... (i'm pretty sure i like you though). what i do know, is that every wish on every candle, 11:11pm, shooting star, and tunnel i have encountered since i met you, has had your name on it. every song i hear, every picture i see, i relate to you. i can't see a sugar caddy, without thinking about the countless mornings we spent filling the sugars. i can't be near expo without seeing your name on the dry erase sheet. i can't hear about someone spilling a drink, without thinking of the time you hugged me tight because you knew that spilled coke was my last straw. i can't see the tiny broom without thinking about the time you swept your whole section on your knees. i can't see people getting whipped with rags, without me re-living the horrible sting from the rag smack you gave me, that left a mark on my thigh for a week. or how you came up and hugged me when you saw i was actually in pain. i can't see the back-line sink without remembering when you had an "emergency shave" back there. people can't order the "ACE Soup, Salad, & Bread" without me thinking about how we would always curse when people would order that and a water. i can't round that corner from bull to the aisle without thinking about that time you were chasing me through bull and i slipped and fell. and how you made fun of me for weeks. and i can't be near that giant metal bull without me remembering how it felt when you told me you were leaving. and how you told me things wouldn't change. and how you told me we would see each other all the time. you were my best friend at that restaurant. the person i looked for on the schedule, the person i couldn't wait to see every day.

i told you that i had "developed feelings" for you other the past few months. to be fair, i guess that's what it's called, but it seems like a lot more than that. "developed feelings" is so vague, could mean anything. i know you're with someone, and like i told you, i would never do anything to mess that up. if you're happy, i'm happy. i know you don't feel anything for me, but i just wanted you to know: at the bottom of the bottom, down to it, when all is said and done...i like you. and i miss the friendship we used to share. i miss being able to talk to you, and sharing stories, and looking out for one another when things got rushed. i really valued our friendship, and very much miss it. you are a wonderful person, and deserve to be treated right. and whoever ends up with you, will be the luckiest girl on the planet.

this is what i should have told you. instead i told you the short version, the only version i was brave enough to give you. and even that took almost seven months. this is what you deserve to know. i don't know if you will ever read this, but if so: this is how i really feel.

i don't know why i'm just so sad.

i have my good days, and i have my terrible days.

but i guess that's the way everyone is.

i don't want to keep lying every time someone asks me if i'm okay. 

it's like there's a war going on in my head,

and tiny little things make me crazy.

it's like i've been on a cliff, a second away from falling,

for so long.

i wish this situation didn't make me so upset.

it would be my life,

that decides to give me the courage to tell him,

the strength i've been praying for for months,

and as soon as i work out the right words, and the right timing,

he won't talk to me.

he won't respond.

and so i'm stuck with the courage and the willingness,

but i have no way of using it.

i don't want to eat, i don't want to work.

i want to hide under the covers all day,

and pretend like if i don't get up, everything will just go away.

i don't have any reason to feel this way.

we hardly ever talk anymore.

i'm scared he's tired of me, and any hope i had of making him want me,

is completely gone.

he was never mine, not even close, not even a little bit.

i have absolutely no right to feel this strongly about him.

is it just that he was nice to me? was it just that i thought he cared about me?

is that what got me so attached?

am i so pathetic, that i cling to every guy who doesn't just look right through me?

he's perfect for me.

or is it just my screwed up view of what i think reality is?

i hate to say it, because it sounds so childish and over-done. 

but honestly, this thought runs through my head,

thousands of times a day:

if i were skinny, if i were pretty, if i held my myself with grace...

would he want to be with me?

if i were all the things i want to be:

thin, with perfect hair, good clothes, 

the ability to dance, the ability to charm, the ability to be graceful...

would he want me?

and all of these things run through my head constantly.

and yet,

i still eat. i don't go to the gym. i don't starve myself, or workout until i die.

and why not? 

it's like i'm a self-sabotage. 

like i'm afraid to be happy, or allow myself to be happy.

people change this about themselves every day.

people go on diets, people buy new wardrobes, people run for hours a day.

and why won't i?

what's holding me back?

do i hate myself that much, that i won't even give myself a chance?

and i feel so guilty for writing this.

like i'm saying, "oh poor me, someone tell me i'm wrong."

but honest to god, it's not like that. 

i just need understanding.

and i'm getting way too ahead of myself.

i don't know why he hasn't talked to me.

it could be anything, any number of things i don't know.

it's just, these are the things that cross my mind.

these are the things i think about and hear myself saying.

and honestly, if a thin, pretty girl is what he wants,

he's the guy i would change for.

he is who i would want to make happy. 

i just like him so much.

and i'm just going to keep trying.

It's Time.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to tell him.

Because he's worth it.

To the people in my life...thank you for making me who I am.

Person #1: this situation has turned out very well. when we first started out, things were shaky. neither of us honestly knew if things were going to work out, but they have. you are a really good guy, you talk to me when i'm upset, make sure i'm okay, you are appreciative of the things that i do, and you take what i say into consideration. i'm so happy with the way things are right now, and i think this spur-of-the-moment decision was one of the best i've ever made. you make me laugh uncontrollably and i think we compliment each other in a lot of great ways. know that i'm always here for you, and that i value our friendship greatly.

Person #2: i sincerely hope that you don't know how much of a bitch you are. i sincerely hope you never received my message. i sincerely hope that you still have no idea how much you have hurt me. i hope all of these things because i wouldn't wish that type of guilt on anyone. i hope these things because i can't bare to think that i wasted four years of friendship on someone who turned out to be "that bitch" we always used to talk about. i have never been more angry at anyone in my entire life. i have never wanted to scream at/and or punch someone more in my entire life. i have never been let down so much in my entire life. i'm a good friend, and i only have the best of intentions. and you lost someone who cared for you. you lost a lot of people's trust. and that is your problem that you are eventually going to have to deal with.

Person #3: i never knew friendships could last this long. i never knew i was going to meet someone who could share my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, and still stick by my side. you are a wonderful person. it is incredibly comforting to know that i have someone who i can talk about anything to, and who will never judge me. i am so, so, so thankful for the friendship we share. we really will be the old lady friends who have watched their kids grow up together, and reminisce about the good old days. this is honestly what "friends forever" means.

Person #4: i've pitied you, i've guilted you, i've looked up to you, i've run to you...lots of ups and downs. growing up this way taught me more before the age of nine than most people don't learn until they are grown up and have kids of their own. i've grown up in absolute chaos. i've seen and heard things i pray most people never do. you've taught me to let things go and to love someone when they are yelling at you, when they are blaming you, when they are making you laugh, and when they are at a complete war with themselves and have lost all hope. i know in my heart that you have only good intentions, and that you love me. i hope you know how much i love you and that i will never give up hope on you. thank you for being the one who raised me.

Person #5: i think you are seriously one of the most kind-hearted, good-natured, and sensitive guys i have ever met (even though you try very hard to make everyone think otherwise). i also think that you have some problems that you are going to have to work through if you ever want to become truly happy. i'm here for you if and when you decide you want to talk them through. i think you are a very nice guy, and your hidden sweetness is too good to be wasted.

Person #6: you. i don't know if there's anything i can say about you that i haven't said before. i don't even know if i can accurately describe how i feel about you. i constantly think i've built you up in my head to be this wonderful, amazing guy that can't possible be real. but when we talk, i find that you are real, and that you are exactly who i thought you were. i think you've lost of a lot of your positivity, that something in your life has caused you to not be as happy as you used to be. i want to help you find it again, i want to make you happy. i just want a chance.

Person #7: you are the most loyal and loving father. you have guided me, taught me things, and protected me. you have put up with more than anyone, and although you blame yourself for most of our family's hardships, you have also worked harder for this family than anyone else. i don't even know half of what you have dealt with in the past thirty years, but i know that it has worn you down immensely. i don't want you to feel any blame or guilt, because you absolutely don't deserve it. you joke around, you make me laugh. yes, you drive me crazy sometimes, but i couldn't have asked for anyone better to have raised me.

Expected.

i'm not as special to him as i thought i was.

it's not his fault.

he has no idea what this meant to me.

i don't have the guts to tell him.

it's breaking me.

Nags Head, NC

it is utterly astonishing to me how at home i feel here. i am just as attached to the long stretches of ocean and beach road as i am to my hometown. so many amazing things ended and began for me here. here was the last time i was able to spend with one of the most incredible women i have ever known: kay rowe. and here was where my love for surfing sparked. where i picked up my first board and stood up on my first wave. here is where i find my strength and comfort, my true self and who i want to be.

staying here with the two most amazing people in the entire world (my grandparents) makes me realize how precious time on this earth is. i savor every second i spend with them and every breath of sea air i get. i know that they aren't going to be around forever, but they are literally the image of who i want to be when i get older; they know everything, they put others before themselves, they are experienced and are still looking forward to whatever comes next. they are the reason i am the person i am today. and i can't say enough how much i love them.

being here, i find myself planning for the future, something i find very difficult to do back home. at home, there's busy, and work, and dealing with. but here, i see clearly, i see my past and my future. i see kids playing and loving the water and i think to myself, "those are the type of kids i'm going to raise." ones who are ever so familiar with the waves and the simple ways of life. i am healthy here. everyone is healthy here.

i stare at the waves, and their strength, beauty, and grace. i watch the sand move beneath my feet, the seashells float in and out with the tide. i watch the blue distance, where the ocean melts with the sunset sky. i hear laughing, dogs barking, the crashing of water, i close my eyes and let my senses take it all in. the wind in my un-straightened hair, the sand stinging my legs, the sun beaming down on my thirsty skin, i am so peaceful here. i have to take that feeling with me when i go home. it's like an epiphany; it's like a mad love affair; it's like medicine to me. this town is a beautiful place.

(...and after all this beauty i see, i still think of him every single second.)