should have known. should have known. should have known. should have known. why didn't i prepare better for the inevitable? i've stopped feeling anyway. there's no way it could have happened. why can't i just get used to it? fuck this. fuck him. fuck myself for feeling like this. fuck the tears running down my face. fuck my life. fuck being happy. fuck the things that remind me of him. fuck my feelings. i hate me, every single thing. get me out of this town. put me on a bus and send me away. let me forget everything that never even happened. a whole motherfucking year later. i'm never doing this again.

fuck this. whatever. yeah, i'm fine.

If one drink, could make tonight
Slip my mind, then I
Should drink up, so i can forget
That I haven't lived my life.

You are an example of
Better things to come
So why wait on some other escape
That leads me nowhere fast

You've got nothing to lose,
Except for me and you

If one drink, could make tonight
Slip your mind, then you
Should drink up, so you can convince
Yourself that I'm cute

We are an example of
Why not to fall in love?
It takes a turn, and then it hurts
More than you could dream of

When you've got nothing to lose,
Except for me and you
I love that attitude.

Sometimes it's not that time
For words I cannot hear
For words I cannot feel
The way you want to go
It makes me feel like shit
A mess, but that's not it
I wonder if he'll care, for me ever again

I'm waiting for the last time
I'm waiting for the right time
To see if he will know the things he doesn't say to me

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know the things you know
But that's just not enough to make you mine
And I won't do anything that it might
Compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
Only, it's not enough to make you mine

Someday we will fly
Higher than the satellites
Into a spacial paradise
Where up is up
And down is down
And no one is around
I don't wanna see you cry,
Let's leave the dramatics behind

This is the last time I can try and make you mine
I'll sit here and wait for it
Could be the last good things that's perfect in my life
I'll sit here and wait for it

bad

i'm really bad at this. at school, and making good decisions, and speaking my mind, and trying to better myself, and at living. i'm really bad at making up my mind, and telling people how i feel, and being proud of who i am, and confidence. i just wish for once the major happenings in my life didn't depend on other people. i hate that i grew up poor, and i stopped giving a fuck in high school, so now i owe thousands of dollars in tuition. for a school that isn't preparing me for a job that will provide me the compensations so that i can pay off my debt. i feel as though i wasted the last two years of my life, and i've been stuck at square one forever. i hate that people walk in and out of my life so easily, and that no matter what i do, it always comes down to when they decide they want to fix things. i hate that i've created this hard exterior, so that i come to all relationships, prepared to get hurt. i hate that i've become so used to bad luck, that a tiny happenstance, like catching a cup before it falls, makes me take notice and feel lucky. i think i'm just tired of not getting anywhere, and not being good enough, and not even knowing what good enough is, but believing i'll never reach it. and always feeling ugly and feeling like no one ever sees me as a girl they'd want to be with. just for a day, i want to feel what it's like to be called pretty. or to put on clothes and not feel the cloth stretch, or my jeans fall down. or to wake up and know i'll do something productive today. or find my passion, and live it. or to be asked out. or know where in the world my life is headed. i try so hard to stay positive, and believe that things will turn around, and be happy with what i've been given. and i know i know i know i know how lucky i am to have the life i have. i think things just get tough when they all pile on at once. it wears me down. i just need something positive to keep my focus on. i just need to stay strong and soldier on. please don't think less of me for feeling this way. i just need a break.

i'm so sick of it being like this.

i've never been kissed spontaneously. i've never had someone want to spend the night with me. i've never gotten a loving look, or a cute gift on a holiday. i've never been kissed on the hand. i've never been home to meet the parents. i've never had someone be nervous of meeting mine. i've never gotten told 'i love you'. i've never been hugged because someone wants to be closer to me. i've never cuddled up to watch a movie. i don't know what it's like for someone to like me. i don't know what it's like to not be rejected. i've never been on a date. i've never gotten a kiss good-bye. or a kiss hello. i've never had someone not get enough of me. i've never filled someone's head when they're trying to go to sleep. i've never stayed up all night, getting to know each other. i don't know what it's like to be wanted, to be longed for. i don't know what it's like to be fought for. i've never had a sweet kiss on the cheek, or been told i mean everything to someone.

no, i'm not beautiful. yes, i have a weight problem. yes, i get sad. and yes i come from a crazy family. yes, i have pimples. no, i'm not skinny, or rock n' roll, or dangerous. yes, i'd rather stay at home and watch a movie, than go out drinking. yes, i've had issues with my religion, and most of the time i'm completely lost. no, i don't know how to properly apply makeup for my specific facial type. yes, i wear the clothes i wear because i'm self conscious. yes, the only things i've ever really been good at, will in fact, get me no where in life. no, i'm not academic. no, i'm not athletic. no, i can't draw or dance or run long distances. yes, i have a past, and no, it's not a long line of various boyfriends.

but i swear to god, i care. and i will treat you so well. and i will do anything for you if you are nice to me. and i don't make judgements on appearances. and i try so hard to do the right thing, even when people aren't looking. and i put everything i have into things that i care about. and i'm not selfish, and i worry about other people more than i care about myself. and i would never, ever, ever mistreat you on purpose. and i promise to have only the best of intentions.

so why is it that there are bitches out there who get to treat their boyfriends like complete shit, and still get treated like a princess? why do guys stay with girls who don't care about them? and what is so damn special about these girls that they are above everyone else? guys won't even give me a passing glance, but they will give everything they have to girls who are absolute bitches.

it's the worst feeling. watching unworthy girls get all the guys, over and over again. while people like me are sitting here, alone, with all the love and care and comfort in the world, with no one who wants it.

are guys so shallow and so into appearances that i have no other choice than to be beautiful if i want a guy? i should go to the gym and lose weight, but i know that i won't. and i keep coming back to this question: why not? i'm afraid that if i lose the weight, and i'm pretty, and i know how to dress, that even then, no one will want me. and then i'd have nothing else.

all of it is just stupid, and illogical, and doesn't make any sense. and it sucks so bad.

i've just had a bad night.

and i'm so, so sick of it being like this.

"Developed Feelings"

i don't know if i really like you, or if i just like the idea of you... (i'm pretty sure i like you though). what i do know, is that every wish on every candle, 11:11pm, shooting star, and tunnel i have encountered since i met you, has had your name on it. every song i hear, every picture i see, i relate to you. i can't see a sugar caddy, without thinking about the countless mornings we spent filling the sugars. i can't be near expo without seeing your name on the dry erase sheet. i can't hear about someone spilling a drink, without thinking of the time you hugged me tight because you knew that spilled coke was my last straw. i can't see the tiny broom without thinking about the time you swept your whole section on your knees. i can't see people getting whipped with rags, without me re-living the horrible sting from the rag smack you gave me, that left a mark on my thigh for a week. or how you came up and hugged me when you saw i was actually in pain. i can't see the back-line sink without remembering when you had an "emergency shave" back there. people can't order the "ACE Soup, Salad, & Bread" without me thinking about how we would always curse when people would order that and a water. i can't round that corner from bull to the aisle without thinking about that time you were chasing me through bull and i slipped and fell. and how you made fun of me for weeks. and i can't be near that giant metal bull without me remembering how it felt when you told me you were leaving. and how you told me things wouldn't change. and how you told me we would see each other all the time. you were my best friend at that restaurant. the person i looked for on the schedule, the person i couldn't wait to see every day.

i told you that i had "developed feelings" for you other the past few months. to be fair, i guess that's what it's called, but it seems like a lot more than that. "developed feelings" is so vague, could mean anything. i know you're with someone, and like i told you, i would never do anything to mess that up. if you're happy, i'm happy. i know you don't feel anything for me, but i just wanted you to know: at the bottom of the bottom, down to it, when all is said and done...i like you. and i miss the friendship we used to share. i miss being able to talk to you, and sharing stories, and looking out for one another when things got rushed. i really valued our friendship, and very much miss it. you are a wonderful person, and deserve to be treated right. and whoever ends up with you, will be the luckiest girl on the planet.

this is what i should have told you. instead i told you the short version, the only version i was brave enough to give you. and even that took almost seven months. this is what you deserve to know. i don't know if you will ever read this, but if so: this is how i really feel.

i don't know why i'm just so sad.

i have my good days, and i have my terrible days.

but i guess that's the way everyone is.

i don't want to keep lying every time someone asks me if i'm okay. 

it's like there's a war going on in my head,

and tiny little things make me crazy.

it's like i've been on a cliff, a second away from falling,

for so long.

i wish this situation didn't make me so upset.

it would be my life,

that decides to give me the courage to tell him,

the strength i've been praying for for months,

and as soon as i work out the right words, and the right timing,

he won't talk to me.

he won't respond.

and so i'm stuck with the courage and the willingness,

but i have no way of using it.

i don't want to eat, i don't want to work.

i want to hide under the covers all day,

and pretend like if i don't get up, everything will just go away.

i don't have any reason to feel this way.

we hardly ever talk anymore.

i'm scared he's tired of me, and any hope i had of making him want me,

is completely gone.

he was never mine, not even close, not even a little bit.

i have absolutely no right to feel this strongly about him.

is it just that he was nice to me? was it just that i thought he cared about me?

is that what got me so attached?

am i so pathetic, that i cling to every guy who doesn't just look right through me?

he's perfect for me.

or is it just my screwed up view of what i think reality is?

i hate to say it, because it sounds so childish and over-done. 

but honestly, this thought runs through my head,

thousands of times a day:

if i were skinny, if i were pretty, if i held my myself with grace...

would he want to be with me?

if i were all the things i want to be:

thin, with perfect hair, good clothes, 

the ability to dance, the ability to charm, the ability to be graceful...

would he want me?

and all of these things run through my head constantly.

and yet,

i still eat. i don't go to the gym. i don't starve myself, or workout until i die.

and why not? 

it's like i'm a self-sabotage. 

like i'm afraid to be happy, or allow myself to be happy.

people change this about themselves every day.

people go on diets, people buy new wardrobes, people run for hours a day.

and why won't i?

what's holding me back?

do i hate myself that much, that i won't even give myself a chance?

and i feel so guilty for writing this.

like i'm saying, "oh poor me, someone tell me i'm wrong."

but honest to god, it's not like that. 

i just need understanding.

and i'm getting way too ahead of myself.

i don't know why he hasn't talked to me.

it could be anything, any number of things i don't know.

it's just, these are the things that cross my mind.

these are the things i think about and hear myself saying.

and honestly, if a thin, pretty girl is what he wants,

he's the guy i would change for.

he is who i would want to make happy. 

i just like him so much.

and i'm just going to keep trying.

It's Time.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to tell him.

Because he's worth it.