Bravery

i'm not brave. i don't have the courage it takes to stick up for myself. i've never been able to tell someone when they've hurt me, or when they've done something to upset me, or when they've done something that puts me out. i just deal with it and move on. i know exactly why i'm like this. when i was young i wasn't allowed to show true emotion. i was kindly asked to store it away and not let anyone see it. so i did. and learning how to do that has plagued me since. even now, as a college student, with bills to pay, jobs to work, and my adulthood nearing, i still don't know how to tell people what i feel. i have no issues standing up for other people. if someone hurts the people i love, i have no problem kicking ass and taking names. as long as i'm not the one to show that i've been hurt, i can handle it.

the problem is, recently i've run into a situation where i'm either going to have to stand up for myself, or end up homeless.

how am i supposed to sit back and let a friend, who i've trusted, and stood up for, and been there for, treat me like i'm insignificant? why am i the one that gets tossed out like i'm disposable and not worth anything? part of me wants to scream in their face, "i don't deserve this!!" and part of me wants to just let it happen. say, "fuck it." and watch them all leave.

where is that line? where is the line where i either decide to fight for myself, realize that i am worth it, and make them all see that, or...decide to let it go, realize that the people i'm fighting for aren't worth it, and that i've already given too much and not received a damned thing? should i be the one to take one for the team again, or 'fess up to being the one with the issue? which is something i absolutely hate. i cannot stand being the one that is causing a problem, especially when it comes to people's feelings.

communication is at a complete loss. we all need to sit down and talk this through. that's the only way things will change and not be at a complete and oblivious standstill. but it's tough, because i feel as though in that moment, with the way everyone has been acting, we are either all going to shut up and not really say what we need to say, or explode and all of us will start screaming and blaming and destroying any chance we have of working this out.

this isn't us. this isn't how we usually are. we are generally, and relatively-speaking, a very low-drama circle of friends. recently though, that's all it's been. drama, drama, drama. and i know, every single one of us hates it.

so i'm just going to say it: i've been hurt recently. very hurt. and a few people have let me down and made me feel unworthy. and some people have made my life very complicated lately. and i'm very angry and have a lot bottled up inside me right now. and i would love for my world to stop being so wishy-washy. i want to know something for certain, and need some concrete plans. i have experienced (even more) that i do have people in my life that will stick up for me when i just can't, and will help me through anything. and i thank god every day for my friends.

i know that right now i am just venting to the internet...to, potentially, absolutely no one. but it's helping me get my head on straight. it's helping me sort everything out. it's a stepping stone to getting me to where i need to be.

Two More

two more days.
two more days and i'll never see your face walk through that door.
two more days and i'll never hear, "hey homes!" again.
two more days that i can't take for granted.
two more days that i have to share with everyone else.
two more days until everything changes.
i feel like i'm losing you, and i never even fucking had you in the first place.

Untitled

to me, he is absolutely flawless, perfect for me in every way. he's driving me crazy. all i want is for him to be happy, and if he is happy, i won't do anything to disturb that. i want him to never, ever feel bad about himself. i want him to know that i find him wonderful, compelling, interesting, and amazing. i want him to know that he is unlike anyone i have ever met. he is wonderfully unique. i want him to know that i can convince myself that i'd be completely fine without him, but as soon as his name lights up my phone or i see his face walk through the door, all convictions are lost. i want him to know that i'm not crazy. that he doesn't occupy all my thoughts, that i can make myself forget the investment i have in our friendship at any time. i want him to realize that's a lie. he doesn't look at me like i'm retarded, he laughs along with me. he makes me ridiculously happy. our inside jokes, the songs we sing to each other. his laid-back, incredibly meaningful words of encouragement when i'm having a bad day. if he's in a bad mood, i wait for him to talk with me about it, or wait for that inevitable joke we share that turns his mood around. his easy-going style perfectly compliments my usual high energy. he's a good guy, with a good heart. he dances because he feels like it. we sing off key because it's fun and it makes us laugh. he jokes around and isn't afraid to look stupid and act silly. he doesn't forget my stories, and always has new ones to tell me. he caught my attention the first moment i saw him. in a split second i realized i would follow him anywhere if he wanted me to. i honestly don't know what to do. all i can do is live in every second that we share, not take it for granted, and let what ever happens, happen. i don't want to ever mess up what we have right now. if that means keeping it at a friendship level, then so be it. i wonder if things would change if he knew how i feel. i wonder if i'll ever have the courage to find out. as for right now, i just have to let it be. i'll breathe in deep, and exhale, and pray for the nerve to drop a hint.

Dreams.

Monster, ghosts, killers, etc. Those things never appear in my dreams. I never have scary dreams. Never. My nightmares involve crying. Completely irrational, inconsolable, sobbing. In my dreams, this crying can either be caused by something (usually something that would never make me cry in reality), or it can be completely irrational, with no cause. All I know, is that in these dreams, I can't catch my breath. My sobbing pushes my lungs to their limit and I can't escape. It's the worst feeling in the world. I can feel that capacity of pain in my dreams, but it's a pain I never feel in reality.

Impossible to Ignore

It's not a reality, it's just a wish.



I want companionship. I want butterflies. I want intrigue and danger. I want flaws and repetition. I want to hear nice things and feel warmth. Oh boy, I just want you.

Roadblock.

For so long I've been at a roadblock, unwilling to move forward. I've stopped myself from being happy, from doing all I can to succeed. This semester, I'm changing. Whether or not I actually succeed is irrelevant, I just want my mind to be happy. I just want to know that I tried my best. I want to prove that I'm good for something. It's not going to be easy, I've been set in my ways for...forever. I spent my whole life thinking I wasn't good enough for success or happiness. And that is a mindset that is ridiculously difficult to change. My best friends have given me motivation; they told me that they think that I can do it, and that they will help me. And that is literally the best present I could ever receive.





<3

...

my posts are sporadic and far-between. why do i find it so difficult to write down what i'm feeling? why am i afraid to get it all on paper? i wish i was the type of person who could release everything onto something material, maybe then i wouldn't feel like i'm about to explode from the inside out. maybe then i could look at things objectively and gain perspective. why am i afraid to be by myself? honestly, my most sincere wish, is just to get in the car, and leave with no real destination, with or without the notion to ever return. i think all i really need is understanding. just for once i want things to fall in to place, to make sense, to be set in their ways.

is it possible to be afraid of release? i've always been one to embrace other's expression, to see the core of who another person is. but when it comes to letting myself be found, there's constantly a roadblock that stops me from ever getting anywhere helpful. am i afraid to be happy? am i afraid for things to work out in my favor? am i afraid to show emotion? am i afraid to release everything out onto paper? am i afraid to see who the real 'me' is? maybe it's because i don't trust that it's actually my true self. maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll alter how i actually feel to please everybody else.

maybe i'm afraid of who's going to see it. maybe i'm afraid no one will ever see it.



i so want to fix this.

there's a boy. and it's the classic: "he doesn't know i exist." but how come i've talked to him a total of three times since we met nearly four months ago, and yet i think about him everyday? why do i think we'd be so good together, when i barely know him? granted, everything i know about him would fit right in with my life and who i am. but, i honestly know that he will never actually see me, he'll never want to know me or spend time with me. he doesn't think about me, he doesn't wonder if we'd be good together. and i understand that. i wouldn't want to be with me either.

guhhh. even as i'm writing this, i'm debating erasing all of it and forgetting about this post. and let me tell you, this happens all the time. what if someone sees this and their opinion of me changes? what if they see past my emotional shell? part of me sincerely hopes no one reads this. it's like i don't want anybody to see me until i get to the physical and emotional point of stability that i'm aiming for. but i also know that that point is so far away and may be unreachable. why can't i just buckle down and make it happen for me? i'm capable, but i hold myself back. are we allowed to want something so badly, and at the same time be completely terrified of it? maybe i need something drastic to happen. maybe i need a time limit. maybe i don't want it bad enough.

all i know, is that i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life. they make everything make more sense <3

i don't really know how to end this post. so i'll just end it here.